I am scared of the outcome of my debut novel. I can’t imagine anyone who would read it, like it, talk about it. My friends have already read it, namely, Ananna finished reading the first draft (kudos). All I can think about is how stupid and shallow and sloppy all of it is. The characters aren’t very engaging. The setting is a dead giveaway. Its all too fast paced. And I just realized that in order to make it believable even in its fantastical nature, I will have to include so many things that I hadn’t found the space to include before.
Note to self: next time, take your time and include everything you can think of, even if its in the form of character analysis. Even though I absolutely hate having to right down what a person is like.
I will have to totally reform the ending, include at least two more characters, who aren’t even important. And the second draft will be a LOT longer than the first one. How hard I was trying to avoid that.
On top of that, there is a ton of things. Immediately at the top, there is my writer’s block, which will hopefully dissolve once I get to work again. Then there’s my O Levels. So, I’ll have to take it so slow, I have no idea how long it will take. There is the bunch of books that I’m planning to read. Classics, all of them. I have classes, I have chores.
I wish I could be a full time writer right now.
I’m scared that my writer’s block won’t go away. Ananna pointed out that the last few chapters sounded choppy. And I’ve been feeling drained since I finished those 84 pages out of 87. I haven’t been at the top of myself.
Maybe this is how I hit bottom. So, maybe that’s a good thing.
Or. maybe not.
And that’s what scares me the most. If I don’t hit bottom, I know I won’t be the best I can be. Not till I really have. I might try, but that will only be faking it till I make it. While that works, I don’t know how long I can be like this, empty, like the empty side of a cracked nutshell.
PS: If you happen to have any advice on self-publication, do let me know.
Yarnful of Stories 
I have never heard that it was a law of the universe that you must hit rock bottom to become your best. Not so sure that is true. And personally, I think it is much better to focus on process and learning, rather than to worry about whether or not your work meets some per-conceived standard (whether yours or someone else’s). I think it is natural to have self doubt and wonder if anyone will want to read your writing, but if you just share it with a few people, and learn from their feedback, modify and share it some more, or write something new, you will continue to improve. It would be terrible if your first novel turned out to be your best one! It is a wonderful step in a life-long process, but just one step.
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Thank you for the thoughtful comment. I really have no idea where I’m going with this though.
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